Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you traded sex for a burrito?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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