Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
