Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
