If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
