a search helicopter?!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
