This is not my ceiling
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
