just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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