Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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