I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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