Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
