It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
