Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
