Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
