I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Randomize
