omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
