When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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