mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
