seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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