did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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