Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
