The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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