Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
