Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
