Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
