It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
