the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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