guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think im going to throw up on grandma
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
