Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
