this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
