Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
there is glitter all over my balls
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