oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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