he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
