did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
