and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
