Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
