Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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