im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
