I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
