wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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