bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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