I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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