so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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