I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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