just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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