whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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