i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
