he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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