if you like me you must not know who I am
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
whose parrot is this?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
