Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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