I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
