I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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