I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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