Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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